Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize