Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
