I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
