Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
