Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
