yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
