Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
