Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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