You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just sent this text using only my big toe
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
