Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
