Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
