the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
