Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
