Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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