happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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