I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
