Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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