I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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