I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
