then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize