My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
