did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just invented taco cereal.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
