So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
