I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
