It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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