wrigley field is MILF paradise
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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