I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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