so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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