ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
