The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
