i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
