I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
