fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
