My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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