I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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