We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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