I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
