shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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