I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Blood and glitter go together right?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
