I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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