I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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