Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
