ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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