chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
