standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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