omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
