Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
