my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
