Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize