HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
