That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
