Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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