Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
