It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
