bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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