A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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