My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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