My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
