i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
