just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize