I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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